BULLY FOR YOU: Female bullying types, how to spot them and the best ways to deal with them, by Shane Watson
Bullying is newly acceptable -
not the playground sort, but bullying as a legitimate means of getting through to people. Look at Gordon Ramsay or even Jamie Oliver. Look at Trinny and Susannah, or
Gillian McKeith or Supernanny. What they all have
in common is a licence to tell us where we are going wrong and the right to get nasty if we don't listen.
Every day the range of bullyable subjects grows and every day we become less shy of telling people how we think they could be doing better. Who knows what's behind it? Insecurity? The analysis culture? A terrible glut of self-confidence? Whatever the reason, bullying is the new E numbers and we all need to be aware of the hidden health risks in social exchanges.
1) The Man-Manager bully
For the Man-Manager bully, men are her thing. She has a lot of experience of them (none of it good) and is very concerned to pass on her observations to anyone who cares to listen. You'll find her quite uncompromising and outspoken (she's the one who suggested you leave your husband when he was a
bit depressed last year; she's also the one who kept on saying, "It's not too late to change your mind", in the lead-up to the wedding). Sometimes the Man-Manager bully can seem genuinely concerned for
your happiness and sometimes it seems as if she is talking about men in the abstract (the enemy) rather than your particular circumstances. She is very big on Rules - what you have to do to catch a man, what you have to do to keep him in line, what you should and shouldn't tolerate, how much he should be spending on your birthday present, etc.
THE TEST: If you feel her advice generally leads towards conflict it is not a good sign.
THE SOLUTION: Only ever see her when you're in male company.
2) The 'Won't take no for an answer' bully
This bully is usually masquerading as your most devoted and loyal friend. She is the one who rings sounding hurt and neglected (you have just moved house, had a baby, changed job, but never mind - the point is you haven't been thinking about her) and forces you to make a date during a week when you are already planning to have a breakdown. You would think that this bully would be relatively easy to see off but she is tenacious, playing the 'you owe me more than this' card, without actually saying it, and managing to make you feel slippery and insincere because she has temporarily dropped off your priority chart. Her favourite trick is manoeuvring you into saying yes by telling you how to rearrange your life, as in: "Put that off until Thursday and I'll bring the food, so there won't be anything to worry about, will there?"
THE TEST: Does she ever say, "Ring me when you're out of the woods" or "Cancel at the last minute if you feel like it's getting on top of you"? Or would breaking a date with her feel like sleeping with your sister's husband?
THE SOLUTION: Be firm. Tell her you will be in touch when you are in a better place. If that doesn't work, change your number.
3) The 'My child is special' bully
Of all the new kinds of bully this one is the least likely to have an inkling that they are. Broadly speaking, the MCIS bully cannot fit in with other mothers' routines and is totally unapologetic about issuing sets of special instructions to anyone entrusted with looking after her children. This would be bad enough but she'll also not hesitate to complain should you (the parent of less special children) put a foot wrong and feed her child Cheesy Wotsits or let them get pen on their hands.
THE TEST: Children of this particular bully all have multi allergies and special rest times.
THE SOLUTION: Lie, and do things just as you always would.
MORE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE