If you'd had a hand in choosing your siblings you might have selected an athletic, yet protective, Adonis in place of your younger, slightly nerdy brother and a soft, somewhat fragile homebody in the place of your trailblazing - and unnecessarily long-limbed sister. It's not that you don't love them, it's just that they drive you to distraction with both their demands and perfections. Sadly, sticking out your tongue and sharp shin-kicks don't quite cut it in your thirties and forties, but here are some other - more practical - tactics you can adopt.
YOUR SISTER IS SLIMMER, PRETTIER AND SMARTER
JUST GET OVER IT? Yes. Nothing you
can do is going to make her shorter, fatter, uglier or less intelligent. And, unless she's ramming her achievements down your throat, it really is your problem and not
hers. It is, of course, entirely possible that all these comparisons are of your own making and simply your take on the situation - a common misconception between sisters, especially those close in age.
WHAT TO DO: Instead of focusing on your own shortcomings, identify the things that you're particularly good at, whether it's rustling up a killer chicken curry or being able to put into words precisely what other people are thinking. It's not about whether you are better than your sister in specific areas, it's about clarifying the positive traits and skills that you have, regardless of her achievements. Also, try complimenting her - it sounds odd, but it's amazing how good
it feels to flatter someone of whom we are actually a little jealous.
YOUR SISTER HAS TO BE THE CENTRE OF ATTENTION
JUST GET OVER IT? Maybe. Perhaps her attention-grabbing behaviour bothers you because you want to be the one entertaining the masses. But, as an adult, you do have choices, whether it's avoiding the situation altogether or finding an opportunity to
shine in other areas.
WHAT TO DO: If your sister makes you feel invisible, why not say so? It's perfectly possible that her centre-stage tendencies mean she hasn't actually switched on to the fact that she's eclipsing you and, once you've mentioned it, she will be hard-pressed to behave in quite such an egotistical fashion again. But if she is not receptive to you, perhaps have a quiet word with another member of the family. If they don't see your point, consider spending less time at large family gatherings, particularly if you're not gaining any pleasure from them, and focus instead on smaller get-togethers.
YOUR BROTHER DOES NOT GET ON WITH YOUR HUSBAND
JUST GET OVER IT? Perhaps. We can't all get on with everybody, but if you want to remain close to your brother, it might be worth mentioning. It could be that he feels threatened by the presence of another man
in your life - especially true for brother/sister relationships that have always been close - in which case it's up to you to ensure that you allocate time for each of them.
WHAT TO DO: Try to encourage your brother to see what it is you love about your husband without presenting him with a laundry list of 'reasons why you should like Olly', which will only make him feel pressurised. Also, arranging outings with your brother so there are times when it's
just the two of you will reassure him of his place in your life.
YOUR SISTER IS EXTREMELY COMPETITIVE
JUST GET OVER IT? Yes. If she's competing with you, it's probably because she sees you as a threat. And if you can see it that way too, her competitiveness is actually a compliment and could be her own peculiar way of demonstrating how much she admires you.
WHAT TO DO: Don't react. When she next starts listing her achievements, either don't respond or change the subject. If it really gets to you, bring it up where appropriate, but it's a habit peculiar to lots of siblings and not one that is likely to change overnight.
YOUR SISTER CONSTANTLY CRITICISES YOU
JUST GET OVER IT? No. You don't have to put up with that sort of behaviour, whether she genuinely thinks you are hopeless or she's simply trying to make herself feel better about her own achievements.
WHAT TO DO: Be assertive but not defensive because, while it's unlikely you'll change your sister's bullying ways, you can change the way you respond to her. Don't excuse why you do things the way you do, but cheerfully clarify the choices you've made if she challenges them. Keep things upbeat and light-hearted. The more she criticises, the more jolly and flippant you should be in response. Once she appreciates that her negative comments are falling on deaf ears, with any luck, she will stop.
YOUR SIBLING OFTEN ASKS TO BORROW MONEY
JUST GET OVER IT? No. Eventually, we all have to take responsibility for ourselves, both emotionally and financially, and if your sibling is still depending on you for cash handouts then he/she has a lot of growing up to do - or needs professional financial help.
WHAT TO DO: By coughing up every time your assistance is sought, you could actually be feeding their financial crisis. Try other ways to help, whether it's recommending an independent financial advisor or sitting down and drawing up a budget together. If you do decide to lend the money, write up a proper agreement, establishing some ground rules like how and when it will be paid back.
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